Human/Animal War

It’s Worth Fighting

Sharks: Australian for “Things to Punch”

An Australian man fought his way out of a sharks mouth by punching the hell out of it’s face.  Turns out that this was only one incident in a whole series of badass Australians getting in fist fights with sharks.  Clearly they’re winning, since sharks have little in the way of fists.

Where sharks have the advantage of course, is that they have more teeth than a shoe factory has chinese kids.  There have been a large amount of shark attacks recently down under the barbie shrimp outback, but the feisty dundarees are fending them off.  A particularly interesting story from the article involves a bunch of dolphins:

“We were all just out there and there were six or seven dolphins around us. It was a bit of a tranquil morning,” local media quoted surfing friend Paul Holden as saying.

“Then out of the blue there was an attack from below and the shark grabbed Jono and started thrashing him around. The water was churning.”

What were the dolphins doing?  Surely they were aware of the impending danger of a vicious bite crazy shark, so were they leading the danger to poor Jono or trying ot warn him?  The verdict is still out on exactly whose side the dolphins are on in the great Human/Animal War — unfortunately this article brings more questions than answers.

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January 13, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

Rampaging Dog drives van into coffeehouse

A dog took control of a van after his 60-year-old owner left him unattended, and promptly drove the vehicle through the coffeehouse where the man was at the time.  From the story:

“Everyone’s asking, didn’t he have a license?”

No one was injured, despite the efforts of the perturbed pup.  Of course, had somebody actually been injured, perhaps people might start to take this threat seriously, instead of making cutesy blogs about dogs driving. For some reason, nobody believes the dog did this intentionally.  Those of us in the know would be wise to note their folly — the animals certainly will.

Tell me this isnt scary.

Tell me this isn't scary.

November 21, 2008 Posted by | Attacks | , , | Leave a comment

Berzerking Bambi

Here’s something terrifying — especially for those of you who live in the DC region.  You probably know that the deer population has attempted to gain ground in our more urban areas, and now we know why.  On  Monday, a wild buck repeatedly attacked a Democratic lobbyist who was taking his dog for his morning constitutional, stabbing him seriously in the chest, leg, and groin.  From the article:

“It came right at me, from about 10 feet away. I tried to run at an angle, but it caught me flush in the back right leg, impaled me with its weight, knocked me to the ground. It started to come right at my face with its antlers.”

By the way, this guy didn’t go to a hospital right away after making his heroric escape.  He used cotton, disinfectant and a paper binder clip to seal his leg up so he could attend a meeting with the MD House Speaker.  This level of badass approaches Bruce Campbell.


November 18, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

Watery Warning: Whale Whacks Windsurfer

An unwitting australian man was the subject of Whale Agression yesterday when a whale hit him on the head with it’s tail.  From the AP:

“Soon after the initial impact the tremendous force subsided and I kite-surfed away with my legs shaking, hooting and yelling filled with excitement and relief,” he said.

The windsurfer says his friends didn’t believe his story at first. This tail-of-a-whale-tale was just just a whale-of-a-tail-tale, they wailed.

On the Althofer-Meyer scale of freaky-ass animals, Whales score a moderately high 6.1 — largely due to the fact that they can swallow a whole man in one gulp.  As depicted here:

Whale of a Myth

Whale of a Myth

or here:

Dont Trust It!

Don't Trust It!

The surfer was certainly lucky to escape with his life from this terrible encounter.  It’s unclear what type of whale attacked the poor man — but computer graphics from the internet have produced a shockingly realistic glimpse at what the creature could have looked like:

Shwharlphine?

Shwharlphine?

Also of note: There’s actually a lot of excitement we missed in the past month.  If you sent in tips — don’t worry, I haven’t ignored them.  I’ve just been busy with the elections here, lamenting the fact that neither candidate addressed the most pressing issue of our time.  Does Obama have the experience and foresight necessary to lead us to victory through the greatest war this planet may ever see?   Only time will tell….

November 14, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

Teacher Schools Bear in Ballistic Biking Lesson

A Missoula, MT man attacked a bear in what may be retaliatory action in response to this week’s carp attack.  The man was riding his bike and claims to have accidentally struck the bear.  According to the story:

Jim Litz said he was traveling about 25 mph Monday morning when he came upon a rise and spotted a black bear about 10 feet in front of him. He didn’t have time to stop and T-boned the [bear] … his helmet hit the bear’s back and the two went cartwheeling down the road.

Litz was slightly injured in the clash, the ambushed bear retreated before the bear’s injuries could be assessed.  It’s not clear why Litz tried to disguise his attack as an accident (a bear appearing 10 feet in front of him? Seriously?) –perhaps he felt embarassed that the bear escaped alive, or maybe he’s worried about showing up on the bear’s radar as an active hostile.  But who could blame him?  Bear’s are scary. Beary scary:

Artist's Rendering of the bear

My artistic rendering of the attacked bear

Also of note:  Oregon man captures 6-foot lizard sneaking into his yard, likely planning sneak attack …… Lindy at Slog details shocking miseducation of children, raises question of possible toddler-animal alliance ….. Rottweiler saves boy from pit bull in likely staged show of feigned loyalty

September 11, 2008 Posted by | Attacks | , , , , , | 1 Comment

Kamikazi Carp Attacks Boy

In what can only be described as a major slap in the face for humans, a kamikaze carp has attacked a 15 year old Arkansas boy.  The fish jumped out of the water, flinging itself into the face of the boy.  Several outlets, including the AP,  covered the story:

The impact was so great that it killed the Silver Asian Carp and sent Seth Russell to the hospital with a broken jaw, loose teeth, and whiplash. According to Seth’s mother, he doesn’t remember a thing; he was knocked unconscious in the mishap. Carole Engle, the director of aquaculture at the University of Arkansas at Pine Bluff states that, in the past year, she has received multiple calls of jumping Silver Asian Carp causing injuries on Lake Chicot.

There’s more to the story, too.  The Silver Asian Carp species invaded American waterways in the 1970’s, and their population has steadily increased.  It makes sense that the animals would deploy a powerful jumping fish to other parts of the world, (and powerful is right — when was the last time you jumped into something so hard that you died?) But it seems a bit early for kamikaze attacks.

For a dramatic and exciting video about the story of the Asian Carp invasion, check out this video:

September 10, 2008 Posted by | Attacks | , , , , , , , | 3 Comments