Human/Animal War

It’s Worth Fighting

Bird Downs Plane in Hudson

A plane has been downed in the frigid waters of the Hudson after a bird disabled two engines in what appears

to be a suicide attack.  It’s not clear whether this was the act of a single bird or perhaps a whole flock.  Birds have made several attacks in the past on smaller planes, but never on one so large — thehumanan

Birdtadah Al-Ghussiah

Birdtadah Al-Ghussiah

imalwar.com suspects Birdtadah Al-Ghussiah may behind this, but no terrorist bird cells have yet claimed responsibility for this attack–some papers are reporting that the attack came from a sleeper cell of geese residing somewhere in NY state.

From an article:

Government officials do not believe the crash is related to terrorism.

“There is no information at this time to indicate that this is a security-related incident,” Homeland Security spokeswoman Laura Keehner said. “We continue to closely monitor the situation which at present is focused on search and rescue.”

Either our government officials are trying to keep something secret or they’re not taking the human/animal war seriously.

Fortunately it appears that all the humans have escaped the sinking plane alive, next time we might not be so lucky.

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January 15, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Sharks: Australian for “Things to Punch”

An Australian man fought his way out of a sharks mouth by punching the hell out of it’s face.  Turns out that this was only one incident in a whole series of badass Australians getting in fist fights with sharks.  Clearly they’re winning, since sharks have little in the way of fists.

Where sharks have the advantage of course, is that they have more teeth than a shoe factory has chinese kids.  There have been a large amount of shark attacks recently down under the barbie shrimp outback, but the feisty dundarees are fending them off.  A particularly interesting story from the article involves a bunch of dolphins:

“We were all just out there and there were six or seven dolphins around us. It was a bit of a tranquil morning,” local media quoted surfing friend Paul Holden as saying.

“Then out of the blue there was an attack from below and the shark grabbed Jono and started thrashing him around. The water was churning.”

What were the dolphins doing?  Surely they were aware of the impending danger of a vicious bite crazy shark, so were they leading the danger to poor Jono or trying ot warn him?  The verdict is still out on exactly whose side the dolphins are on in the great Human/Animal War — unfortunately this article brings more questions than answers.

January 13, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

Politician Sends Powerful Message to Turkeys

They may be the descendants of dinosaurs, but Sarah Palin sent a clear message that it’s people who rule the planet now, and the only thing turkey’s can count on descending from in the future is from the top of a death funnel to the bottom.  Most of the media and other blogs have already covered the story, but none seem to be able to give an answer as to why Palin chose this particular setting.  Her choice isn’t so baffling when you consider that this vicious and dangerous bird, which can grow up to 4 feet tall and are known to invade towns and attack people, could pose a serious threat to the human army they were to mobilize their milions of rafters against us.

Related: Turkey bowling/curling is the most festively morbid sport of the season. Screw you, turkeys.  We are going to eat you.

November 24, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Berzerking Bambi

Here’s something terrifying — especially for those of you who live in the DC region.  You probably know that the deer population has attempted to gain ground in our more urban areas, and now we know why.  On  Monday, a wild buck repeatedly attacked a Democratic lobbyist who was taking his dog for his morning constitutional, stabbing him seriously in the chest, leg, and groin.  From the article:

“It came right at me, from about 10 feet away. I tried to run at an angle, but it caught me flush in the back right leg, impaled me with its weight, knocked me to the ground. It started to come right at my face with its antlers.”

By the way, this guy didn’t go to a hospital right away after making his heroric escape.  He used cotton, disinfectant and a paper binder clip to seal his leg up so he could attend a meeting with the MD House Speaker.  This level of badass approaches Bruce Campbell.


November 18, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

Watery Warning: Whale Whacks Windsurfer

An unwitting australian man was the subject of Whale Agression yesterday when a whale hit him on the head with it’s tail.  From the AP:

“Soon after the initial impact the tremendous force subsided and I kite-surfed away with my legs shaking, hooting and yelling filled with excitement and relief,” he said.

The windsurfer says his friends didn’t believe his story at first. This tail-of-a-whale-tale was just just a whale-of-a-tail-tale, they wailed.

On the Althofer-Meyer scale of freaky-ass animals, Whales score a moderately high 6.1 — largely due to the fact that they can swallow a whole man in one gulp.  As depicted here:

Whale of a Myth

Whale of a Myth

or here:

Dont Trust It!

Don't Trust It!

The surfer was certainly lucky to escape with his life from this terrible encounter.  It’s unclear what type of whale attacked the poor man — but computer graphics from the internet have produced a shockingly realistic glimpse at what the creature could have looked like:

Shwharlphine?

Shwharlphine?

Also of note: There’s actually a lot of excitement we missed in the past month.  If you sent in tips — don’t worry, I haven’t ignored them.  I’ve just been busy with the elections here, lamenting the fact that neither candidate addressed the most pressing issue of our time.  Does Obama have the experience and foresight necessary to lead us to victory through the greatest war this planet may ever see?   Only time will tell….

November 14, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

An Introduction

Hello

It’s good to meet you, all of you.  I just wish it wasn’t on these terms.  Maybe in another life we could have…

well…

But that’s not why we’re here.  Let’s get to it:

The evidence is all around us, but no one seems to be paying attention.  On any given day, one can easily find an article about some bizarre as-of-yet-unseen behavior, some terrifying new ability, some terrible attack on humans or our institutions.  Somehow, our media don’t manage to put the pieces together, but it’s all in front of us: over the past few years a growing trend has emerged in our world, commonly filed under “news of the weird” or “bizarre news” are the clues to our eventual undoing.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  This site aims to chronicle the events that lead us up to the inevitable war, to help us prepare, to spread the terrible word.

It seems unlikely at this point that we can prevent them from attacking us.  The clash will almost certainly occur.  But only if we are prepared will we prevail.

Here you will find advice on how best to battle the beasts, a history of new attacks, insight into why this is happening, contemplation about what our future holds, and more.

You can help.  Send me links of relevance – I am but one man, and I step heavy with the burden of this terrible message. Tell others of the war — direct them to this site.  We must unite.  We must survive.

The great war approaches.

Spay and neuter your pets.

August 29, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment