Human/Animal War

It’s Worth Fighting

Politician Sends Powerful Message to Turkeys

They may be the descendants of dinosaurs, but Sarah Palin sent a clear message that it’s people who rule the planet now, and the only thing turkey’s can count on descending from in the future is from the top of a death funnel to the bottom.  Most of the media and other blogs have already covered the story, but none seem to be able to give an answer as to why Palin chose this particular setting.  Her choice isn’t so baffling when you consider that this vicious and dangerous bird, which can grow up to 4 feet tall and are known to invade towns and attack people, could pose a serious threat to the human army they were to mobilize their milions of rafters against us.

Related: Turkey bowling/curling is the most festively morbid sport of the season. Screw you, turkeys.  We are going to eat you.

November 24, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Rampaging Dog drives van into coffeehouse

A dog took control of a van after his 60-year-old owner left him unattended, and promptly drove the vehicle through the coffeehouse where the man was at the time.  From the story:

“Everyone’s asking, didn’t he have a license?”

No one was injured, despite the efforts of the perturbed pup.  Of course, had somebody actually been injured, perhaps people might start to take this threat seriously, instead of making cutesy blogs about dogs driving. For some reason, nobody believes the dog did this intentionally.  Those of us in the know would be wise to note their folly — the animals certainly will.

Tell me this isnt scary.

Tell me this isn't scary.

November 21, 2008 Posted by | Attacks | , , | Leave a comment

Berzerking Bambi

Here’s something terrifying — especially for those of you who live in the DC region.  You probably know that the deer population has attempted to gain ground in our more urban areas, and now we know why.  On  Monday, a wild buck repeatedly attacked a Democratic lobbyist who was taking his dog for his morning constitutional, stabbing him seriously in the chest, leg, and groin.  From the article:

“It came right at me, from about 10 feet away. I tried to run at an angle, but it caught me flush in the back right leg, impaled me with its weight, knocked me to the ground. It started to come right at my face with its antlers.”

By the way, this guy didn’t go to a hospital right away after making his heroric escape.  He used cotton, disinfectant and a paper binder clip to seal his leg up so he could attend a meeting with the MD House Speaker.  This level of badass approaches Bruce Campbell.


November 18, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

Watery Warning: Whale Whacks Windsurfer

An unwitting australian man was the subject of Whale Agression yesterday when a whale hit him on the head with it’s tail.  From the AP:

“Soon after the initial impact the tremendous force subsided and I kite-surfed away with my legs shaking, hooting and yelling filled with excitement and relief,” he said.

The windsurfer says his friends didn’t believe his story at first. This tail-of-a-whale-tale was just just a whale-of-a-tail-tale, they wailed.

On the Althofer-Meyer scale of freaky-ass animals, Whales score a moderately high 6.1 — largely due to the fact that they can swallow a whole man in one gulp.  As depicted here:

Whale of a Myth

Whale of a Myth

or here:

Dont Trust It!

Don't Trust It!

The surfer was certainly lucky to escape with his life from this terrible encounter.  It’s unclear what type of whale attacked the poor man — but computer graphics from the internet have produced a shockingly realistic glimpse at what the creature could have looked like:

Shwharlphine?

Shwharlphine?

Also of note: There’s actually a lot of excitement we missed in the past month.  If you sent in tips — don’t worry, I haven’t ignored them.  I’ve just been busy with the elections here, lamenting the fact that neither candidate addressed the most pressing issue of our time.  Does Obama have the experience and foresight necessary to lead us to victory through the greatest war this planet may ever see?   Only time will tell….

November 14, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment